Part 2: The 10 Most Important Words in Any Relationship

This is Part 2 in a 5-part blog posting. See Part 1

“I’m sorry”

Love Means Never Having to Say You’re Sorry.

<sigh>

If this is true, I guess I haven’t experienced love, because “I’m sorry” is a thoughtfully shared and necessary part of my almost 12 years of marriage!

This famous line uttered first by Jennifer, then by Oliver, in 1970’s “Love Story” has always gotten under my skin. It’s overly dramatic, idealistic and implies that unconditional love is the ultimate state of being. Hogwash!

The fine art of apology can save many a relationship, personal and professional. Rather than subscribe to the unflinching forgiveness of the “Love Story” tag line, I look to another source for a more grounded approach, one that has allowed me to move through mistakes quickly and with less drama.

Rule #12, Dale Carnegie’s Golden Book: If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.

To that wisdom I would add, “and let it go.”

Does that mean that I apologize for the sake of moving on? Not quite. Notice the qualifier “If.” We sometimes apologize for situations or statements that we don’t “own,” in order to put an end to the discussion or keep things from getting worse. The art of the apology lies in an apology’s authenticity – to only apologize for what was your responsibility.

Consider the definition of “apology.” The Random House Dictionary defines it as: “a written or spoken expression of one’s regret, remorse, or sorrow for having insulted, failed, injured, or wronged another: He demanded an apology from me for calling him a crook.” Notice that the example doesn’t say “He demanded an apology from me for making him feel like a crook.”

For instance, how many times have you said, “I’m sorry I made you upset”? While what you said may have been disrespectful or hurtful, the person who heard it is responsible for his or her response (as Steven Covey points out, try looking at the word “responsibility” as “response – ability”). You didn’t MAKE the person upset; he or she CHOSE to be upset. So what part of the situation is your responsibility? You spoke the hurtful words, so perhaps a more authentic response is “I’m sorry I said that” or “I’m sorry, what I said was insulting.”

While that approach might seem insensitive, it’s more honest and equal. Over time, taking responsibility for someone else’s reactions can be extremely draining and lead to imbalances, such as one person always feeling like the victim, or one person consistently shouldering all of the blame to smooth things over. The words “I’m sorry” risk becoming a knee-jerk response to a wide variety of situations. You end up saying it when it’s not really true or admitting fault when none exists. An apology loses its meaning with mindless use. And if you ever have an impulse to say “I’m sorry, but…”, nip it in the but! “But” negates what came before, and the apology loses its impact.

• Take responsibility for your own thoughts, words and deeds
• Acknowledge when these thoughts, words and deeds have had a negative effect on someone else, and own up to your role in the situation with an authentic, simple apology.
• Once you have done so, move towards a solution or understanding of the other person’s reaction, and let go of the need to repeatedly apologize, justify, defend or fall on your sword.

The actor who played Oliver, Ryan O’Neal, had a role a few years later in the comedy “What’s Up, Doc?” Towards the end of the movie, Barbra Streisand’s character bats her eyelashes and says to him, “Love means never having to say you’re sorry,” to which O’Neal’s character responds, straight-faced, “That’s the dumbest thing I ever heard.”

This time, I agree with him completely!