Part 3: The 10 Most Important Words in Any Relationship

This is Part 3 in a 5-part blog series. Read Part 1 and Part 2.

“I need/want”

Just like the button on our computer keyboards, sometimes we all need a Pause or Break.

Knowing what you need or want – and being able to share those desires – is a foundational part of any relationship. Our individual needs are as important as those of the partnership.

I think of needs in two categories: the “it may seem weird or quirky to you, but it’s important to me” category, and the “this is important for my self-care/sanity” category.

“Why can’t her dirty clothes ever end up in the laundry basket, instead of on the floor!?”

Everyone, no matter how “normal” on the outside, has quirks. Little things that drive us crazy or that need to be “just so” in order for us to function and stay smiling. It may be the way the toilet paper is put on the holder (over or under?)… putting drinks on coasters… making the bed… remembering to put the cap back on the toothpaste… anything that happens in a moving vehicle when one person is driving and the other wants to be. We all have habits – sometimes charming, sometimes annoying – that reflect some little idiosyncrasy.

There is a “pick your battles” element to these needs; decide which ones are important to you and which ones you can let go (and this goes for your quirks as well as the other person’s). There’s usually no huge need to talk about them; however, when they begin to grab any of your energy in frustration (“why can’t he ever close up the bread and put it away??!”), it’s worth it to say something, lest resentment build. When you do say something, do it when you are feeling calm, emphasize your need, even acknowledge that it’s a quirk. Try not to imply that what the other person has been doing is “wrong.” For instance, “Honey, I have this weird need to keep the the knives separate in the drawer from everything else. Would you please put the wooden spoons in this drawer down here and not with the knives?”

“I never have any time for myself!”

The other category is more often the one that leads to tension and resentment over time: the unmet “I want more self-care” need. The desires may be simple: 30 minutes of quiet time when you get home from work. Time with friends. Space dedicated to your hobby. To take a bath while he watches the kids. We all have needs, large and small, that allow us to take care of ourselves, and thereby, take care of the relationship.

Sometimes, we can’t articulate what we need because we don’t even know what our needs are! Here’s a simple example: early in my marriage, my husband would ask me on Saturday morning “So, what do you want to do today?” I’d answer “Oh, I don’t know, what do you want to do?” Harmless enough, right? Then one day I realized that I had things in mind that I wanted to do, but I was waiting to hear what he had to say, to see how my plans would fit into his! This was contrary to my personality, which is independent and certainly not deferential. Once I started responding “I need to do this, this and this. What about you?” our planning was more partnering, with each of us fitting our needs together until we both got what we wanted. Knowing when it’s important to say “I need some quiet time,” “I need to finish this project” or “I need for you to take the kids to a park for a while” will curtail pent-up feelings of resentment and neglect.

Being able to state our needs and wants in a relationship is a critical part of being happy together. Practice in everyday interactions to build up your muscle for more important requests. Do you sometimes habitually answer, “I don’t care, what do you want?” when making a decision about dinner, a night out, a movie to see or the plans for the day? Think before responding and state anything about what you want. It could be “I want seafood,” or “I want to see a comedy.” It doesn’t have to be specific; an answer that at least honors your mood or preference will move you in the right direction. As you practice making your needs known, you’ll be ready when the bigger topics come up.