Part 4: The 10 Most Important Words in Any Relationship

Part 4 in a 5-part blog series. Read Part 1, Part 2, Part 3.

“Help me”

Looking for another way to keep resentment at bay? Ask for help!

It’s not always easy to ask for help. We are taught “if you want it done right, do it yourself,” and asking for help means giving up (our perceived) complete control of the outcome. Or it means a temporary inconvenience for the other person while you get what you need.

The truth is that the relationship is a team sport. On that team, it’s important that each person feels supported and like s/he is getting the help that’s needed. Sometimes asking for the help is the hardest part. We have some deeply seated beliefs around asking for help, whether it’s at home or at work:

We think that if we ask for help, the other person might want something in return.
Asking for help demonstrates a weakness.
We don’t know how to ask without using or feeling guilt.

Often, we feel all of the above! I remember when my husband and I were painting the interior of our house. It was an overwhelming job for the two of us, but we were anxious to claim our space and make it cozy and welcoming. I mentioned to a friend that we were doing this, and she said without hesitation, “Oh, John and I love to paint! If you want help, we’d be happy to come over and bring our brushes.” I was stunned. She would give up her free time to come help us paint!? She explained that she meant the offer sincerely; she saw her offer as a gift and was hoping we’d receive it. We did, and we ordered pizza, played music and had a grand time painting our living room and home office. There was no guilt, no tit-for-tat, and everyone felt good.

The more you’re willing to give and receive help, the healthier your relationships will be. When we don’t ask for what we need (see Part 3), resentment can build. I used to feel resentment when I’d come home from the grocery and have to make two or three trips back and forth between the car and the house to bring everything inside. Why didn’t my husband help me? Often, he was listening to music and didn’t hear me come home. Or he didn’t realize I had so much stuff, so I’d already brought most of it in by the time he realized what was happening. I finally learned to ASK for help – to say, “can you listen for me to come home and come out to help me unload stuff?” It seems small, but the small stuff can become big stuff in a hurry.

Here I’ve focused on examples that are action-oriented. Even more important can be the times when we need emotional help and support. Asking for help in the form of understanding and patience are also critical to any relationship; by asking for support, we are saying “I trust you. I want you to know where I’m at. I want you to be part of my process and journey.” We sometimes think we need to work through our emotions alone, so that we don’t bring others down. However, just like my friend offering to come over to paint, reaching out for help when you feel lost, depressed, alone or freaked out is often a gift to those who love you. They WANT to be there for you. It’s when we’re fully human with each other that love grows and deepens.

For more about asking for help, check out The New York Times article about M. Nora Klaver’s book “MayDay! Asking for Help in Times of Need.”

For Your Consideration

What do you need help with right now?

What are the benefits of asking for help? The cost?

What’s possible if you have help that’s not possible if you went at it alone?