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Part 4 in a 5-part blog series. Read Part 1, Part 2, Part 3. “Help me” Looking for another way to keep resentment at bay? Ask for help! It’s not always easy to ask for help. We are taught “if you want it done right, do it yourself,” and asking for help means giving up (our perceived) complete control of the outcome. Or it means a temporary inconvenience for the other person while you get what you need. The truth is that the relationship is a team sport. On that team, it’s important that each person feels supported and like s/he is getting the help that’s needed. Sometimes asking for the help is the hardest part. We have some deeply seated beliefs around asking for help, whether it’s at home or at work:
Often, we feel all of the above! I remember when my husband and I were painting the interior of our house. It was an overwhelming job for the two of us, but we were anxious to claim our space and make it cozy and welcoming. I mentioned to a friend that we were doing this, and she said without hesitation, “Oh, John and I love to paint! If you want help, we’d be happy to come over and bring our brushes.” I was stunned. She would give up her free time to come help us paint!? She explained that she meant the offer sincerely; she saw her offer as a gift and was hoping we’d receive it. We did, and we ordered pizza, played music and had a grand time painting our living room and home office. There was no guilt, no tit-for-tat, and everyone felt good. The more you’re willing to give and receive help, the healthier your relationships will be. When we don’t ask for what we need (see Part 3), resentment can build. I used to feel resentment when I’d come home from the grocery and have to make two or three trips back and forth between the car and the house to bring everything inside. Why didn’t my husband help me? Often, he was listening to music and didn’t hear me come home. Or he didn’t realize I had so much stuff, so I’d already brought most of it in by the time he realized what was happening. I finally learned to ASK for help – to say, “can you listen for me to come home and come out to help me unload stuff?” It seems small, but the small stuff can become big stuff in a hurry. Here I’ve focused on examples that are action-oriented. Even more important can be the times when we need emotional help and support. Asking for help in the form of understanding and patience are also critical to any relationship; by asking for support, we are saying “I trust you. I want you to know where I’m at. I want you to be part of my process and journey.” We sometimes think we need to work through our emotions alone, so that we don’t bring others down. However, just like my friend offering to come over to paint, reaching out for help when you feel lost, depressed, alone or freaked out is often a gift to those who love you. They WANT to be there for you. It’s when we’re fully human with each other that love grows and deepens. For more about asking for help, check out The New York Times article about M. Nora Klaver’s book “MayDay! Asking for Help in Times of Need.”
This is Part 3 in a 5-part blog series. Read Part 1 and Part 2. “I need/want”
Knowing what you need or want – and being able to share those desires – is a foundational part of any relationship. Our individual needs are as important as those of the partnership. I think of needs in two categories: the “it may seem weird or quirky to you, but it’s important to me” category, and the “this is important for my self-care/sanity” category. “Why can’t her dirty clothes ever end up in the laundry basket, instead of on the floor!?” Everyone, no matter how “normal” on the outside, has quirks. Little things that drive us crazy or that need to be “just so” in order for us to function and stay smiling. It may be the way the toilet paper is put on the holder (over or under?)… putting drinks on coasters… making the bed… remembering to put the cap back on the toothpaste… anything that happens in a moving vehicle when one person is driving and the other wants to be. There is a “pick your battles” element to these needs; decide which ones are important to you and which ones you can let go (and this goes for your quirks as well as the other person’s). There’s usually no huge need to talk about them; however, when they begin to grab any of your energy in frustration (“why can’t he ever close up the bread and put it away??!”), it’s worth it to say something, lest resentment build. When you do say something, do it when you are feeling calm, emphasize your need, even acknowledge that it’s a quirk. Try not to imply that what the other person has been doing is “wrong.” For instance, “Honey, I have this weird need to keep the the knives separate in the drawer from everything else. Would you please put the wooden spoons in this drawer down here and not with the knives?” “I never have any time for myself!” The other category is more often the one that leads to tension and resentment over time: the unmet “I want more self-care” need. The desires may be simple: 30 minutes of quiet time when you get home from work. Time with friends. Space dedicated to your hobby. To take a bath while he watches the kids. We all have needs, large and small, that allow us to take care of ourselves, and thereby, take care of the relationship. Sometimes, we can’t articulate what we need because we don’t even know what our needs are! Here’s a simple example: early in my marriage, my husband would ask me on Saturday morning “So, what do you want to do today?” I’d answer “Oh, I don’t know, what do you want to do?” Harmless enough, right? Then one day I realized that I had things in mind that I wanted to do, but I was waiting to hear what he had to say, to see how my plans would fit into his! This was contrary to my personality, which is independent and certainly not deferential. Once I started responding “I need to do this, this and this. What about you?” our planning was more partnering, with each of us fitting our needs together until we both got what we wanted. Knowing when it’s important to say “I need some quiet time,” “I need to finish this project” or “I need for you to take the kids to a park for a while” will curtail pent-up feelings of resentment and neglect. Being able to state our needs and wants in a relationship is a critical part of being happy together. Practice in everyday interactions to build up your muscle for more important requests. Do you sometimes habitually answer, “I don’t care, what do you want?” when making a decision about dinner, a night out, a movie to see or the plans for the day? Think before responding and state anything about what you want. It could be “I want seafood,” or “I want to see a comedy.” It doesn’t have to be specific; an answer that at least honors your mood or preference will move you in the right direction. As you practice making your needs known, you’ll be ready when the bigger topics come up. This is Part 2 in a 5-part blog posting. See Part 1 “I’m sorry”
<sigh> If this is true, I guess I haven’t experienced love, because “I’m sorry” is a thoughtfully shared and necessary part of my almost 12 years of marriage! This famous line uttered first by Jennifer, then by Oliver, in 1970’s “Love Story” has always gotten under my skin. It’s overly dramatic, idealistic and implies that unconditional love is the ultimate state of being. Hogwash! The fine art of apology can save many a relationship, personal and professional. Rather than subscribe to the unflinching forgiveness of the “Love Story” tag line, I look to another source for a more grounded approach, one that has allowed me to move through mistakes quickly and with less drama. Rule #12, Dale Carnegie’s Golden Book: If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically. To that wisdom I would add, “and let it go.” Does that mean that I apologize for the sake of moving on? Not quite. Notice the qualifier “If.” We sometimes apologize for situations or statements that we don’t “own,” in order to put an end to the discussion or keep things from getting worse. The art of the apology lies in an apology’s authenticity – to only apologize for what was your responsibility. Consider the definition of “apology.” The Random House Dictionary defines it as: “a written or spoken expression of one’s regret, remorse, or sorrow for having insulted, failed, injured, or wronged another: He demanded an apology from me for calling him a crook.” Notice that the example doesn’t say “He demanded an apology from me for making him feel like a crook.” For instance, how many times have you said, “I’m sorry I made you upset”? While what you said may have been disrespectful or hurtful, the person who heard it is responsible for his or her response (as Steven Covey points out, try looking at the word “responsibility” as “response – ability”). You didn’t MAKE the person upset; he or she CHOSE to be upset. So what part of the situation is your responsibility? You spoke the hurtful words, so perhaps a more authentic response is “I’m sorry I said that” or “I’m sorry, what I said was insulting.” While that approach might seem insensitive, it’s more honest and equal. Over time, taking responsibility for someone else’s reactions can be extremely draining and lead to imbalances, such as one person always feeling like the victim, or one person consistently shouldering all of the blame to smooth things over. The words “I’m sorry” risk becoming a knee-jerk response to a wide variety of situations. You end up saying it when it’s not really true or admitting fault when none exists. An apology loses its meaning with mindless use. And if you ever have an impulse to say “I’m sorry, but…”, nip it in the but! “But” negates what came before, and the apology loses its impact.
The actor who played Oliver, Ryan O’Neal, had a role a few years later in the comedy “What’s Up, Doc?” Towards the end of the movie, Barbra Streisand’s character bats her eyelashes and says to him, “Love means never having to say you’re sorry,” to which O’Neal’s character responds, straight-faced, “That’s the dumbest thing I ever heard.” This time, I agree with him completely!
Most statistics cite that approximately 40-50% of marriages end in divorce. The rates fluctuate when one takes into account first, second and third marriages. In 2005, 3.6 per 1,000 people got divorced; that’s more than 1 million Americans. Reasons for divorce vary, and I’m not going to venture to name all of the possibilities here. I can, however, make some speculation based on my personal experience with marriage (11+ years) and the work I do with various clients. My experience tells me that among the fundamental keys to a lasting, loving, mutually beneficial partnership (be it marriage, common law or domestic partners) are trust, respect and acknowledgment. Love is important and is what often draws us together in the first place. Perhaps the romantic in me has dulled a little, because I no longer agree with the sentiment “love is all you need.” How are trust, respect and acknowledgment sustained and nourished? Through intentional talk! Through open, honest communication with each other. Through self-trust, self-respect and self-acknowledgment, which allows for those feelings for another. There are certain key words that support a relationship of trust, respect and acknowledgment. Here are the first two of 10 that every couple should practice and integrate into their daily lives. [The next four blog posts will elaborate on the other eight words.] “Thank you” Living with someone, there are little things we do everyday that are necessary for a household to run smoothly. Washing the dishes, doing the laundry, taking out the garbage, making dinner, paying the bills. We do this things without expectation of recognition or thanks. And what happens when the other person notices that you’re doing it, even when you don’t feel like it? When you’re tired? Sick? Busy with work or the kids? A simple “thank you” can make all the difference. It’s acknowledging that there’s a partnership, that you each have tasks that make life easier for one another in ways large and small. If possible, go beyond the simple “thank you” and name what you’re thankful for: a particularly good meal, that his timing for the laundry was perfect because you’re almost out of underwear, or that she took out the trash in the pouring rain. Attach meaning to the appreciation, and you’ll be less likely to take each other for granted.
Throughout the movie “The Devil Wears Prada,” the protagonist Andy Sachs (Anne Hathaway) declares on multiple occasions “I don’t have a choice!” She not only says the words, she conveys her lack of freedom through her actions and facial expressions – in short, through her choices. The reason for her desperate cries of helplessness? Miranda Priestly (played with devilish brilliance by Meryl Streep), her boss and nemesis.
In coaching terms and as described by Rick Carson in “Taming Your Gremlin,” a gremlin is “…the narrator in your head. He has influenced you since you came into this world, and he accompanies you throughout your entire existence… He tells you who and how you are, and he defines and interprets your every experience. He wants you to accept his interpretations as reality, and his goal, from moment to moment, day to day, is to squelch the natural, vibrant you within.” Sounds a little like Miranda Priestly, if you ask me! What Andy encountered was her Gremlin in the flesh: someone who told her (through words or an intimidating up-down body scan) that she wasn’t pretty enough, thin enough, fast enough or bold enough. Andy may or may not have had those insecurities before coming into the Runway job. She was a woman of words rather than wardrobes. Yet all it took was a few scathing looks from co-workers for her to change her tune and don some Milano Blahniks while dashing around the perilous concrete jungle that is Manhattan. Her inner and outer gremlin – “You’re not good enough and this is the only way to be good enough in our eyes” – took hold and took away her sense of being at choice. As a result, she offended friends, lost her boyfriend and was seduced by a world that was not in alignment with her core values. This is the power of our gremlins. They can become overwhelming and alter our reality so much that we feel like we really HAVE NO CHOICE. Watching the movie, I felt Andy’s pain. She wasn’t just seduced by the glamor; she also seemed to be on a mission to prove that she could do the job, that she could make her gremlin happy, and that she was good enough. Quitting? That would have been admitting defeat. In reality, Andy was always at choice. She could have walked away at any time. She didn’t realize that she was making choices everyday, and she was letting someone other than her true self dictate what was important to her. Andy finally woke up when she realized she was out of synch with the values that Miranda declared they seemed to share (when Miranda tells her in the limo that Andy “chose to get ahead. You want this life.”) That’s when Andy realized that she had been making choices all along, and they weren’t what she wanted. She said “I disagree” to the gremlin and tossed it out of her life. I’d venture to say that we all have a gremlin of some sort, either in our heads or in the flesh (or both!). What Andy’s story tells us is that we can be seduced into believing the gremlin, because it knows what buttons to push. Now you know what button to push: No, Thank You! Once you hear clearly what the gremlin voice is saying, you have a choice to respond and make up your own mind about what’s true. Then maybe the gremlin can become less scary, more fuzzy. It’s protecting you from risk and harm (even Miranda probably believed that Andy risked ridicule and rejection if she didn’t do as Miranda said with regard to appearances, which is a form of protecting her). Keep your gremlins in their place by asking “is that true?” when they challenge you. Ask “what are you protecting me from, and what are my choices?” Your gremlin may never become the cuddly cutie that cheers you on; it will, over time, become a catalyst for realizing that you are always, in every single second, at choice.
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We all have habits – sometimes charming, sometimes annoying – that reflect some little idiosyncrasy. 
This blog post is Part 1 of 5. 
